Writer EQ: Disappointment
Can you be a writer without disappointment?
I suppose somewhere out there in the wild there might exist a writer who hasn’t been disappointed, who hasn’t gotten that rejection letter from the publisher, agent, or anthology that you really wanted, hasn’t received that negative review, hasn’t had someone important turn away from our writing before they’ve even read it.
Disappointment feels like such a common emotion for writers that we almost wear it as a badge. How many rejections did your book get before it was published? This rejection was a nice one; they personalized the response.
We nod our heads and remember the disappointments in our own writing journeys. Common experiences. Badges of dues paid.
But, disappointment isn’t always so easy to dispel, even with the shared experiences and knowledge. It still stings when it happens. Sometimes it can be shrugged off; sometimes it requires a pint of ice cream and tears. We count the times of disappointment and wear those badges because those times mean something, because each time disappointment happens, it leaves a little wound behind.
Sometimes, disappointment settles in, taking root in our writing lives. We wonder why we’re continuing along on this path that won’t stop hurting us. Sometimes the disappointment creates a giant hole when that thing that is so important to us (dream agent, contract, bestseller status, award, etc.) doesn’t happen. The disappointment can make us lose focus, stall, stop, walk away.
If disappointment weaves itself through our writing journeys, how do we get over it and keep writing, keep moving, keep pushing forward?
Acknowledge the emotion. (You knew I was going to say this, right?) It’s ok to be disappointed. It’s ok to acknowledge the disappointment. It’s ok to spend a little while wallowing or letting yourself have that cry. You’re human and disappointment hurts.
Check your expectations. Disappointment happens when our expectations and reality don’t match. In some cases, the forces behind that are out of our control (a publisher closes, for example). In others, our expectations may be a bit too high for the present. That doesn’t mean that we can’t aim for it and work toward it, but maybe that WIP isn’t quite ready yet, despite how much we’d like it to be. Are your expectations for the current situation too high, too low, or just right? Play a little Goldilocks and see where you’re at.
Re-focus. Too often, when we experience disappointment, our focus turns inward. We blame ourselves for the disappointment, which then dissolves into a cycle of doubt, disappointment, blame, and guilt. Rather than fall into the cycle, re-focus. Are there take-aways from the experience that you can learn from and apply? Take those and refocus on a positive direction, one that helps you move forward through the disappointment. Character strengths can also be a great help here to replace some of the negative with positive emotions.
Use it for good. I can almost hear the cursing on this one! Yes, you can use it for good. I’m not saying that it will be tomorrow or the next day, but disappointment can still be on the path for good. At the very least, maybe the situation will help you have empathy for someone else trying to write that book or land that dream agent or be that bestseller and not quite making it. The fact that you’re disappointed at all shows passion—a desire for whatever it is that you’re disappointed about. It gives you the chance to grow and get stronger—and I know that that sounds like a bunch of baloney, but think about how you’ve emerged from other disappointments. There’s probably at least one there where you got stronger and better.
What does this all look like in practice? Often messy. We’re humans, after all, full of emotions and complexities. Let me share an experience from my own writing journey. I was shortlisted for an award a few months ago… for all of about two minutes when I realized that I had been judged in the wrong category and would have to withdraw. Joy and excitement to disappointment in seconds. There were a series of errors that led to it (one mine that I had tried to correct; some in the organization). For me, the award nomination was one of those goals that you write down and hope that someday you’ll get there. It hurt. (And in transparency, I spent a couple of days doing some pretty ugly crying about it.)
It would have been really easy to let the disappointment over the situation turn to self-blame, self-doubt, rehashing all the things I could have done differently, and beating myself up. I’ll admit that writing was really hard for a while, but I’d like to think I’ve come out stronger. The experience didn’t break me. And while the result wasn’t what I wanted, the judges liked my story. All things I could take away on the positive side. With the support of a couple of coaches I work with regularly (Thanks Patrick and Sarah!), I was able to act in a way that helped me feel heard, but stay true to what I thought was right in the situation. Also, a bit of a win because I’m not always good about standing up for myself. Acknowledging, refocusing, using it for good.
Will the disappointment stay? Of course. That’s why we remember the number of rejections we get. The wounds stick around. We get to choose whether we’re going to let them fester or whether we’re going to help ourselves get stronger and better because of them.
And it makes great fodder for the next story and character.
